Fathers and Partners Help Best as Birth Guardians...

...and/or loving partners, not as coaches; they also need support.

In honour of Father's Day, I decided to write about this Birthing from Within principle.

In our birth culture, we have moved from dads not even being in the room, to an expectation that they are responsible for supporting the mother in every aspect of pregnancy and birth.  This is not fair to either parent.

Birthing from Within Classes and doula support recognizes that fathers are also going through a rite of passage and major life change that is parallel to, and different from, the mother's experience.  Birthing from Within Classes provide a special class for fathers,that address their different needs. Read more about how Birthing from Within helps fathers...

The main role of the father during birth is to simply be present for the mother, to focus all of his attention and love on her.  Many dads learn that their role at the birth is to 'do something', whether that means negotiating with hospital staff, getting ice chips or doing a certain kind of massage for the mom.  While there are times during the birth that specific tasks may be required, the thing that moms remember most is a sense of their partner being present emotionally.  The father's preparation is sometimes about unlearning -- letting go of the instinct to solve a problem or fix something and instead learn to let the mother experience the intensity of labour, simply being there for her and recognizing the birth as the transformative experience it is.

Birthing from Within pain-coping practices (learned in a class) can help the parents stay connected to each other and gives the father something 'useful' to do that maintains and intensifies their emotional connection.

Having a doula or other female support person present is an excellent way to allow the parents to focus inward on the birth, while the doula gets the ice chips!  Doulas can also help direct dad if he is uncertain about what might help the mother and give him a break if he needs to leave for a few minutes to centre himself. Read this article about how doulas help...

Pain and intensity are an inevitable part of birth...

...yet much can be done to ease suffering.

Often during pregnancy, people share stories of their birth experiences.  Sometimes these stories give us a sense of how exciting birth can be, of the amazing accomplishment of bringing a baby into the world. 

Unfortunately, sometimes people who tell these stories had a birth that was scary for them, where they suffered.  Hearing these scary experiences, the pregnant parents naturally look for a way to avoid something similar for themselves. 

One Birthing from Within principle is to help parents recognize that pain and intensity are inevitable during birth, and to focus on what we can do to ease suffering, which is the story that we tell ourselves about the pain.

Learning ways to cope can change a scary experience into an awesome one.  It is not about removing the pain, but about seeing it differently and being able to handle it. Some of the pain-coping methods we practice in class are extensions of what women will naturally do when in labour.  The reason I teach them is allow both parents a chance to understand how they work and to practice them, so that they come naturally, even in difficult situations.

Tips on pain-coping during labour:

·         Sometimes mothers are exhausted and might find it helpful to be ‘talked through’ a couple of contractions.

·         Partners - DO NOT tell her to ‘breathe’ or ‘relax’.  Birth is not relaxing.  Encourage her to rest in between contractions.

·         Parents practice together before the birth and find out what works for her.

·         If nothing is working, do something completely different!

What about epidurals?  Many women get epidurals and some will tell about how the birth was terrible until they got the epidural.   When epidurals work properly, they provide almost complete pain relief.   However, there are potentially major risks involved.  In my Birthing from Within Class, we discuss the epidural as one pain-coping tool.

Unexpected events happen during birth and the more preparation you do, the better you will cope.   Labour is painful, and getting through may or may not include an epidural.  Sometimes, even if you plan to get it, the epidural is not available or it doesn’t work correctly.  Having a variety of strategies to cope with pain will help you adapt regardless of the situation and to feel more positive about the entire birth experience.

In my classes, we spend at least 5 hours on pain-coping (1/3 of class time).  This article is intended to give some generally help, regardless of whether you take a Birthing from Within Class.  Practice of pain-coping and integration into your daily life will great increase how effectively you are able to use it during labour.  Hiring a doula who understands pain-coping can help too!

This article originally appeared in the Nuturer, Mommy Connections Lethbridge (March 2012)